Stop Seeking Love, Find It
Excerpt from the book "I Need Your Love – Is That True?" by Byron Katie.
Making a Good Impression
Core belief examined: "It is necessary to win people's favor so they will love you."
The author uses the metaphor of stamping an impression in someone's mind — presenting the qualities you want attributed to you (honesty, intelligence, attractiveness). But observed from the recipient's point of view, this approach signals one thing: "I really need you to love me" or "I want something from you."
Key question: Does the effort to impress actually help people care for you?
Begin Observing Your Thoughts
The search for approval becomes automatic and difficult to observe. Byron Katie suggests examining:
- Your phone calls and the mental preparation beforehand
- Emotional sensations and their physical location
- Imagined scenarios before important encounters
- Mental replays after interactions
Examples of approval-seeking thoughts in a romantic context:
- "Does she think I'm bragging?"
- "Should I have kissed him?"
- "Does he still love me?"
- "She doesn't really want to be with me"
The instruction: observe without judgment.
"Everyone thinks that love is wonderful, except when it becomes terrible. Throughout their lives, people are fascinated by love: they search for it, try to hold onto it or try to recover from it. Two other concerns closely follow love: approval and appreciation." — Byron Katie
Observe What Happens When You Believe Your Thoughts
Exercise: deliberately listen to your thoughts during conversations and notice:
- Attempts to manipulate through explanations or justifications
- Stories designed to create specific impressions
- Use of voice, facial expressions, body language to manipulate
Written reflection questions:
- What did you expect from this person? Document your plan.
- How did you try to manipulate their perception? List the strategies.
- How specifically did you want them to see you? Describe.
- Did you lie or exaggerate? Give examples.
- Were you truly listening, or more concerned with the impression you were making?
- What did you dislike about this search for approval? List.
- What did you enjoy when you resisted this search?
This exercise can be uncomfortable. But practicing it reveals that all human beings experience the same approval-seeking thoughts — there is nothing uniquely shameful in these patterns.
"I contribute to co-creating a world without fear where each person is free to exist and express their uniqueness."